Cancer sucks!

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You can think you’re totally prepared for bad news, know exactly what the doctor is going to tell you, psych yourself up to hear the absolute worst news, and still be stunned to hear it.  I think it’s because somewhere deep inside you’re still hoping that there will be a miracle.  Somehow, in an amazing turn of events you become the lucky winner of the lottery, the amazed and grateful recipient of the ultimate jackpot!!!!  And you smile and tearfully accept the prize, because you know there was never anyone so deserving of a miracle as your beautiful Rio.

But this was not my lucky day…. nor was it hers….  Today, the doctor told us that in the span of four weeks, while taking the Kinavet (our “last ditch effort” drug), the tumor in her lymph node has doubled in size.  Soon it will be creating pressure on her colon.  It could eventually become blocked, leading to a very rapid decline in her internal functions.  The other possibility is that the mast cell could degranulate, causing something very similar to anaphylactic shock.

I’m trying so, SO very hard to focus on things like the fact that we’ve had four and a half years together since she was first diagnosed.  My beautiful Rio and I have had some wonderful adventures together, and we still have time for a few more (if we hurry).  Like the fact that she’s a fighter, and she hasn’t quit yet.  Like the fact that she doesn’t know she’s sick, and she’s not in pain.  But my heart is breaking because I know that soon, way too soon, the thing I love the most in life will be gone.  And there’s not a damn thing I can do to change that.  So, I’m gonna have myself a good cry and several glasses of wine, and tomorrow, I’m gonna see if I can’t find in myself a little more of Rio’s strength and courage….



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9 thoughts on “Cancer sucks!

  1. Well, my first response is explitives. Micki, I’m so sorry for the bad news. I know exactly how you are feeling. You are right though. Rio doesn’t know she is sick. Take this time to make more memories. There will be plenty of time to cry later- trust me on that one. Sending you lots of hugs.

    Jenna & Spirit Chili Dawg

  2. Rio is one of my big heroes. The fact that she keeps coming back is evidence of her true warrior spirit. I hear that silly song in my head, “Tubthumping” (I get knocked down, but I get up again) when I think of her. You’re right that she doesn’t know any of this. We say it a lot. But I’m trying not to minimize that you, Micki, do know. You love the Woo, and you want her here with you.

    Keep writing to let us know how you are doing. Whatever you do, don’t run off for a month and leave us all wondering. Even if it’s crappy news, you’ve found your tribe and your pack here, and you need to use our shoulders. One day I’ll need yours.


  3. it’s very brave of you to put words to page…it always makes it seem more real. keep making memories, keep enjoying each and every moment. hugs to you all.

    charon & gayle

  4. Ugh. I hate hate hate this disease. I know exactly what you mean about hoping for the miracle… Abby is supposed to have follow up xrays and check on her lung mints the end of this month and I’m dreading them. I don’t think I can handle the bad news. But… we can handle it. We don’t really have a choice. If one of us has to know, and one of us doesn’t, it’s best that we know and the dogs be oblivious. I think about what if it were the other way – what if Ab/Rio knew they were sick and we didn’t. I think that would be so much worse. I try to take comfort in knowing that she DOESN’T KNOW and she’s happy and has a great life. And I know Rio also has a GREAT life and GREAT mama, so I hope you find peace in that.

    Make lots of good memories. Take lots of pictures. Come here and rant and vent with us when you need to. We all know what you are going through.

    Sending big hugs. Hope you have a good day with your special girl. Follow her lead. She’ll have a good day – so you have one with her!
    Jackie, Abby’s mom

  5. Tears for you Micki. My heart breaks as I read what you wrote and just knowing and remembering…the feeling. Losing what you love dearly is not just hard, but it changes you forever.

    It’s going to be hard to stay upbeat with this news of your dear Rio, but during your dark moments try to remember that you were gifted with this little extra time. You get the chance to video tape and photograph everything, capturing Rio’s love…even the most mundane will be important later. As bad as it is that you know the outcome, this is your gift. You get “precious extra moments of time” with Rio.

    So, please take it from someone that has never gotten those precious extra moments of time”…not with my dad, not with my brother and only sibling and not with three of my last dogs including Comet. In a flash, without warning they were all gone.

    When I get down, I try to remember, “it could be worse”. So, from this moment onward, we are going to celebrate each wonderful extra day you get with the Woo! We going to make the most of it with smiles, laughter, love and cheers! Go cry until you can’t cry anymore and then let us start celebrating!

    Sending you happy thoughts.

  6. Dear Micki
    So,so sorry for this horrible news. You are so in our thoughts and send love, huggs and send Rio extra special amazing healing energy.
    Thank you for being such an incredible momma to your girl, right now she just loves life and you!!
    Lylee and Joanne

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